Resident Insanity 4
by Fanfic Monster
Summary: I admit i suck at titles. Leons assignment: Go in get the presidents daughter and leave. Easy? Apart from Leon being an insane lunatic, Hunnigan wanting him dead and there being two Ashleys this sounds like an easy task. Chapters 10, 11, 12 and 13 now up.
1. Don't Hate Me Because I Am Beautiful

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident evil 4 or any of the TV shows, movies, people, games, characters, songs or merchendise mentioned in this storey.

* * *

'1998. I'll never forget it. It was the year that…err….umm….it'll come to me….just a sec…. oh yeh! Some virus thingy broke out in this city so the government nuked the place. Then…. Dam! I'm so forgetful! Oh fuck the opening scene! No one ever listens to it anyway; all they care about is blowing shit up and blasting the crap out of Zombies!'

_(End of prologue)_

Leon was sitting in the back seat of an MG Rover (it was all they could get). Two Spanish police officers were sitting in the front seat. Leon was staring out of the window watching the trees go by. 'I received special training at some government agency and was assigned the duty of protecting the new presidents family. Although now his brat of a daughter has gohn and gotten herself kidnapped and I have to go and fetch her.'

One of the officers turned to Leon 'Who are you talking to amigo?'

'Errr… no one'

'You're crazy.'

'Takes one to know one!'

'What?'

'I know you are but what am I!'

'I rest my case. You're an idiot.'

The other officer joined in. 'Don't worry. He'll be dead by the end of the day.'

The other cop was pleased. 'Yes! Then we can go sing at a boy scouts bonfire.'

Leon didn't listen to the two as he was trying to open the window in the back seat but it was jammed, (well what do you expect with a car that cheap). Leon took out his pistol and fired a shot at the window blowing it to smithereens.

The driver was pissed. 'What the fuck did you do that for! We have air con!'

'I like shooting things.'

'Fuckin moron!'

Leon ignored him. He sat back and immersed himself in the cool breeze.

After a long car journey the car arrived at an old house.

One of the officers looked at Leon. 'We'll stay here and make sure we don't get any parking tickets.'

Leon gave them both funny looks. 'Right. Parking tickets.'

The trio looked ahead to see a Ganados standing in front of the car. He wrote them a parking ticket and walked off.

'Fuckin hell amigo! Ya gotta be jokin!

Leon got out of the car and walked towards the house. But he turned round and headed back to the car.

The driver looked at him. 'You forget your makeup or something?'

Leon reached through the broken window. 'As a matter of fact I did.' He took his makeup box from the seat and applied some mascara. Leon smiled and fluttered his eyes at the two officers in a queer sort of way. 'How do I look?' He asked in a queer voice.

The two officers just pretended they didn't even know him. Leon got rid of his gay side and headed back to the house. He entered without even knocking and saw a man tending to a log fire. He walked up behind him. 'Excuse me sir.' No answer. 'Sir!' Still no reply. 'Oy! Nob head! The bloke turned round with a blank look on his face. 'You seen this bitch?' Leon held out a naked picture of Jennifer Lopez. He quickly noticed and shoved it back in his pocket. 'Oops! Wrong picture! He then pulled out a picture of him hugging Goofy at Disney land. His face went bright red. The ganados burst into laughter. 'It's not funny dick shit!' Leon ripped his pistol from its holster and fired repeatedly at the ganados.

Leon looked out the window to see a truck drive aimlessly towards the little Rover. Both officers panicked; fortunately the driver reacted quick enough and drove the car out of the way just before the truck hit it. Both officers celebrated their victory but the driver stupidly forgot to take his foot off the accelerator and drove straight over the edge of the cliff.

Leon panicked. 'No time for doors.' He ran up the stairs and dived out of the top story window, landing flat on his face. Once he hauled himself up off the floor and regained his vision he looked around to see a group of angry ganados.

'There's only one thing to do.' Leon muttered to himself. He shook back his long hair, cricked his fingers and his neck then took his pistol out of the holster and looked as if he was ready for action.

It was a tense moment. Leon V The ganados. Who would win. Leon stared at them ready for action, the ganados the same.

Then suddenly Leon pointed to his left. 'LOOK IT'S A DISTRACTION!'

Every ganados looked mindlessly in the direction Leon was pointing.

'SUCKERS!' Leon ran of down the path laughing hysterically like a lunatic. While still running he looked back and stuck his finger up at the ganados while still laughing. However Leon didn't look where he was going and ran straight into a tree; he fell to the floor and was unconscious. All the ganados pointed at him and laughed.


	2. I Love Dogs

Leon hauled himself off the floor. The ganados had gohn for some reason. They probably thought he was too stupid to be any kind of threat. Leon suddenly realised something. He had forgotten to turn on his radio. When he examined the screen it read 'you have 2,450,000 missed transmissions.' Suddenly the radio screeched indicating someone was contacting him. Both screens lit up. One with a woman on and the other with Leon on.

'Leon?' The woman said. 'Where the fuck have you been!'

'Who the fuck are you!'

'I'm Ingrid Hunnigan. Your support.'

'Dam you're sexy.'

'Shut the fuck up you pervert and listen. That crack whore Ashley has gohn and gotten herself kidnapped, again! Just find her fast and NO sex!'

'Storey of my life.'

'And don't bother with the crappy puns.'

Leon put the radio away and headed down the path to the village. Along the way he noticed a dog stuck in a bear trap. Leon, being a sucker for dogs knelt over and pulled open the trap and the dog moved its bleeding leg free. However Leon accidentally lost his grip on the bear trap and it snapped shut with his arm stuck in it.

'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!'

This scared the dog back into the forest.

After Leon managed to free himself he continued down the path until he eventually came across the village. He stared down his binoculars to see if there was any danger, or fit birds. 'Nothing out of the ordinary' Leon said as he put his binoculars away. However Leon had a tendency to not pay attention to the current situation so he didn't even notice the burning police officer. Sensing no danger Leon proceeded into the village singing Hit Me Baby One More Time. As he did so the villagers all stared at him. Leon looked around puzzled; 'What! It's a great song'.

The ganados became enraged. 'SICKO!' One of them yelled.

'GET HIM!' Yelled another.

Suddenly the villagers grabbed whatever they could find to use as weapons and moved in for the kill.

'Uh oh.' Said Leon as he ran into a nearby house and shut the door. He looked through an opening and saw the villagers surrounding the house. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

_Knock Knock_

Leon panicked. 'Urrr… Who's there?'

'Angry Ganados!'

'Angry Ganados who?'

'Angry Ganados that are gonna cut you to pieces!'

'I don't get it.'

Suddenly Leon heard the sound of a chainsaw. 'A chainsaw? Oh fuck!'

The blade of the chainsaw ripped through the door and hordes of Ganados poured in. Leon backed off up the stairs.

'Actually it was a very funny joke ha ha. I got another one; these two Ganados go into a bar and…' Leon looked up the stairs to see more Ganados. '…oh shit!' Leon thought he was done for when all of a sudden…

_Ding Ding_

At the sound of the bell the villagers all backed off and headed for the church. Leon headed back outside into the empty village. Making himself look like he had actually done something worthwhile, Leon stood in a really cheesy heroic like pose and said in a heroic voice 'where's everyone going? Bi…' before Leon could finish his really crappy remark a bird crapped on his jacket. 'Oh fuckin hell! That will never come out!' Leon ditched his jacket and moved on.

After battling Ganados after Ganados and stopping for a quick slash in the villages well, Leon eventually came to an old house. He entered and could hear banging coming from one of the rooms. He skilfully navigated past every bomb (basically he ran into them, nearly blew himself then healed himself with first aid spray) until he eventually reached a room with a closet.

Leon heard banging coming from the closet, without thinking he took out his pistol and fired repeatedly at the closet. He then opened the door and a bloke fell out who was tied up and had his mouth taped shut. Leon tore the tape of his mouth sharply.

'Owww! Fuckin hell! Good thing you can't shoot to save your life otherwise I'd be dead.'

'Shut the fuck up and hold still while I free you.'

Leon took out his knife and sliced the blokes hands clean off.

'OWWWWWW FUCKIN HELL!'

The bloke lay on the floor with his arms gushing out blood. 'Couldn't ya just untie the ropes!'

'Hmm, that thought never occurred to me.'

'You fuckin moron!'

Leon looked around the room and found some dirty bandages and an old sewing kit. After 15 minutes of threading the thread through the needle and half an hour of sewing, Leon finally reattached the blokes hands.

'There! Happy now!' Leon shouted.

The man was woozy from the blood loss. 'Uhhhh… smokes… plagas… cop in Madrid.'

Suddenly a tall, bald, bearded bloke entered the room with two ganados.

The pale woozy man looked at the bloke. 'Look! A block of cheese!'

'That's 'The Big Cheese' to you!' the bearded bloke shouted. He then pointed to Leon. 'You! You're the Britney fan!'

Leon was furious. 'DON'T DISS BRITNEY SPEARS!'; again without thinking Leon ran over and karate kicked the bloke, but before he could land the kick the bloke grabbed his foot and threw Leon into the closet knocking him unconscious. The bloke was still woozy so he didn't put up much of a fight.


	3. Check Out My Guns

'Feeble humans.' A mysterious voice said. 'Let us give you our power.' A bloke holding a syringe made his way over to Leon who was still unconscious. 'Soon you'll become unable to resist this intoxicating power.' The bloke proceeded to push the syringe into Leons neck but broke the needle. 'You fucking moron!' The voice shouted. 'Now I have to start all over again!' The man inserted a new needle into the syringe.

'Feeble humans.' The voice said again. 'Let us give you our power.' The bloke made his way over to Leon but tripped and fell flat on his face. 'Idiot!' The voice shouted. 'From the top people!'

'Feeble…' The bloke had already inserted the needle into Leons neck. 'Not yet!' The voice shouted.

The voice began again. 'Feeble… Oh fuck it I can't fuckin bothered just get on with it.' The bloke walked over to Leon and finally injected him.

Leon woke up from the shock. He found himself in another little shack tied up to the bloke from the closet. Leon jolted the ropes to wake him up.

The bloke woke up. 'Ay ca ramba, crawl out of one hole and into another.'

'Who are you by the way?' Leon asked. 'Cos the writer is getting bored of referring to you as 'the bloke from the closet''.

'Luis Sera.'

'Louise? Ha Ha! You have a girls name!'

'No. Luis'

'That's what I said. Louise.'

'L. U. I. S.'

'Oh sorry. It's just your accent made it sound like Louise.'

'Well who are you amigo?'

'Names Leon.'

'As in big tit Lea from Big Brother!'

'Don't you start!'

'Soz amigo. So what are you doin in this shit hole?'

'Lookin for this bitch.' Leon reached into his pocket and pulled out the photo.

Luis was puzzled 'She's not even in this game.'

Leon looked at the photo only to see it was a picture of Hanna Tsu Vachel. 'Man am I ever gonna get the right photo!'

'Do you mean this photo amigo?' Luis reached into his pocket and pulled out the correct photo of Ashley.

'How the fuck did you get that!'

'When you were unconscious in the woods I stole it from you.'

'Anyway, you seen her?'

'Yeh I heard one of the villagers say she was being held in a church somewhere.'

'Where's the church.?'

'How the fuck should I know!'

'Useless bastard.'

'Oh well excuse me mister letsfirebulletsrepeatedlyataclosetwithamainwhoisdesperatelytryingtoescapeinsidenearlykillinghimandthenslicehishandsoffandbandagethemwithdirtyoldbandagessohegetsaninfectionwhileispendpracticallyayeartryingtosewthembackon'.

Leon was puzzled. 'Mister letsfirebulletsrepeatedlyataclosetwithamainwhoisdesperatelytryingtoescapeinsidenearlykillinghimandthenslicehishandsoffandbandagethemwithdirtyoldbandagessohegetsaninfectionwhileispendpracticallyayeartryingtosewthembackon? That's a mouthful.'

Just then a ganados entered the room dragging and axe covered in blood.

Leon panicked. 'Shit! Shit! Shit!' The ganados began to lift up the axe ready to strike Leon and Luis but there was one problem. It was too heavy for him to lift. He struggled for ages trying to lift the axe. Leon figured these villagers can't be too smart if they fell for his distraction in the forest.

'You need a hand?' Leon asked. 'Untie me and I'll help you.'

The ganados nodded. He placed the axe down on the floor and untied the ropes bounding Leon and Luis. Leon (once again without thinking) shoved the ganados out the way grabbed the axe ready to strike the ganados but found it was too heavy even for him. The ganados approached Leon but Luis jumped up behind the ganados and snapped his neck, then ran out the shack.

Leon dropped the axe. 'Hey! Where you goin?' He shouted. 'Wanker!'

Leon was about to walk out the room but was startled by a loud screeching sound. He suddenly realised it was his radio.

Leon stared at the screen as Hunnigan and his picture appeared.

'Leon why the fuck don't you switch your radio on! I've been trying to get through to you for the last half hour!'

'For your information Hun-ig-an! I've been tied up for the last half hour!'

'That's your excuse for everything!'

'Go fuck yourself!' Leon put the radio away and left the room. As he made his way towards the cabins exit a cloaked bloke poked his head in through the window.

'Over here. Stranger.' The bloke said in a deep croaky voice.

Leon made his way out the door and walked behind the cabin. He saw the bloke standing there with a blank look on his face and wearing a bulky, black, hooded cloak.

The bloke stared at Leon. 'Got something that might interest you.' And the bloke opened his cloak to reveal a load of guns and ammo of varying types.

Leon was stunned. 'Holy shit man! You sellin those!'

'For the right price.'

'Can't you just give me em?'

'Are you fuckin kidden me!'

'But I'm being chased by raging lunatics and I'm nearly out of ammo!'

'Not my problem.'

Leon started to become pissed off. 'I'm a government agent!'

'Then fuck you!' Leon took out his gun and with his one remaining bullet shot the bloke in the head. 'Nob head.' Leon said as the bloke fell to the floor. He robbed the blokes ammo but being the idiot he was he didn't bother taking any cool weapons. He then proceeded to a nearby gate.

* * *

_Will Leon get to Ashley in time? What did the enemy do to him? And is there a point to this story! _

_Find out next chapter._


	4. A Blast From The Past

After half an hour of running away from raging ganados and 15 minutes of trying to find some glue to stick the two plaque pieces that unlocked the way forward back together, Leon finally came across an old house. He headed upstairs only to find a locked door. Leon studied the door for two hours but still couldn't figure out how to open it. Suddenly a loud screeching sound made Leon jump forward head first into the door.

Leon ripped his radio from his attaché case. 'FUCKIN HELL! CAN'T YOU PEOPLE GIVE ME A FUCKIN RADIO THAT DOESN'T GIVE ME A FUCKIN HEART ATTACK!'

Hunnigan giggled. 'Sorry Lea, it's not in our budget.'

'Not you too!' Leon sighed. 'Well while you're here do you have any idea how to open this fuckin door?'

Hunnigan stared at him with a funny look. 'Try turning the handle.'

Leon scowled. 'Oh you're fun-ny' he said sarcastically. 'It looks like I have to complete some crappy puzzle to open it.'

Leon held the radio up to the door to show Hunnigan. 'Any ideas?'

'Leon that's not a puzzle, it's a picture that's been drawn on the door; you have to pull not push.'

Leon looked down to see a handle with the word 'Pull' written above it. He slammed his radio back into his attaché case and stormed through the door swearing in every language he could think of. He noticed a key on the side in the room. 'That could be useful' he muttered to himself. Just as he was about to pick up the key he heard footsteps in the corridor. Quietly he made his way to the door.

Leon headed into the corridor and was greeted by 'the big cheese'. Before Leon had time to react he found himself being hoisted off the ground by his neck. Leon struggled violently trying to break free but it was useless, Mendez was too strong for him.

Just then…

_Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech_

Mendez screamed loudly and covered his ears dropping Leon in the process. 'FUCKIN HELL. THAT'S WORSE THAN NAILS ON A BLACKBOARD!' Mendez ran off into the room Leon had just come from. 'MY EARS ARE ON FIRE!'

After getting his breath back Leon tried to figure out what that sound was. Suddenly he realised it was his radio.

Hunnigan appeared on the screen 'Leon I have some new Intel for you.'

'Fill me in.'

'There's a religious cult group involved called the 'Los Illuminados'

'And that's helpful how? I mean jeez Hunnigan why don't you give me some info I can actually use!'

Leon put his radio away and proceeded down stairs but suddenly stopped. 'Oh no I forgot the fuckin key!' Leon headed back upstairs and into the room.

As soon as he entered Mendez punched him in the face sending him straight to the floor. Mendez pressed his gigantic boot onto Leons chest in an attempt to crush his lungs. Just then two bullets went flying into Mendezes back. He lurched back in pain. They may not have killed him but they hurt like fuck. He turned round to see a woman in red with a gun in her hand hanging from a chord attached to a grapple gun in the window.

The woman smiled and fired a third shot into his bollocks. Mendez clutched his bollocks. 'You…bitch!' he said in a slightly higher voice. He ran clutching his bollocks towards the window. At that exact second the woman pushed a button on her grapple gun to retract the cord, but found to her surprise that she had inadvertently pressed the chord release button.

'OHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!' She screamed as she went plummeting to the ground. Mendez jumped straight out the window and landed directly on top of her.

Leon hauled himself up off the floor and proceeded downstairs. When he reached the back door he noticed a mob of angry ganados and another bloke with a chainsaw. 'There's only one thing I can do.' Leon muttered to himself.

He ran screaming like a maniac out the back door. He sped past the mob of angry ganados, down the path and back into the village where he was greeted by more ganados, he darted past them and up to the door leading to the church but to his surprise it was locked. He suddenly remembered. He forgot the key again! Furiously he darted back to the house.


	5. The Church Finally

Leon proceeded through the door but found himself in a shitty little room.

'This doesn't look like a church.' He said to himself.

Never the less, being the curious type he was he decided to explore a little. He entered the next room to find a store room containing various barrels and crates. After pacing up and down for a while Leon finally noticed a trapdoor on the floor. He jumped down into the watery passage to find the merchant again.

'HOLY SHIT! ZOMBIE!' Leon cried.

'What the fuck are you on man!' The merchant said. 'Zombies are soooo last year.'

'But I shot you!'

'No that was another merchant, there are loads of us scattered throughout this shit hole. Now either buy something or get out of my face!'

'Will I get it for free?'

'No. But you get a free sniper scope when you buy the TMP, stock and two cans of first aid spray together.'

'Sold.'

'That'll be 20000 pesetas stranga.'

Leon consulted his wallet but found he didn't have nearly enough. 'Do you take Visa?' He asked.

'Of course.' The merchant took out of his robes a chip and pin scanner. Leon handed him his Visa card and the merchant inserted it into the slot. He then handed the consol to Leon. 'Please enter your pin number.'

Leon entered his pin and the transaction was complete. He took the items and headed off down the tunnel completely oblivious to the fact that the merchant now had all of his details.

Leon climbed up a nearby ladder and found himself in a churches graveyard. 'Finally! Its taken me 5 chapters just to get here!' He proceeded up the path shooting anything that moved until eventually he came to the churches front door. He attempted to open it but found it was locked. Just to be sure he checked the door carefully to make sure there was no 'Pull' sign. Confused he called Hunnigan.

'Hunnigan I've found the church but the doors locked, there's no handle to turn, no 'Pull' sign and they didn't teach me how to pick locks at the academy.'

Hunnigan sighed. 'Well what did they teach you?'

'Really cheesy heroic poses and really crappy remarks.'

'Well then find another way in!' Hunnigan signed off the conversation.

Leon looked around and noticed a path leading away from the church. Being the curious person he was he decided to follow it.


	6. Lets Go Fishing

After running away from hoards of angry ganados and a boulder Leon finally came to a huge lake. He spotted a boat in the lake and decided to take a closer look with his binoculars. Upon closer inspection he saw two ganados chuck the second cop into the water. 'Shit!' Leon said. 'I hope the other guy made it to safety.'

The boat pulled off leaving the second cop floating in the water. Suddenly the cop shot up and gasped for air. '_Geez!'_ the cop thought. '_Good thing the airbag deployed when we hit the bottom of the cliff or I'd be jam.' _

The cop laughed 'Those gullible ganados!' He remarked 'All you have to do is close your eyes and they'll believe you're dead. They don't even check your pulse.'

The cop didn't notice that the ganados were still watching him from a distance in their boat.

'Does it matter if he's still alive?' One asked.

'Nah.' The other replied. 'If anything his paddling will double our chances of catching a big one'

'Yeh. That grand prize in the fishing contest is ours.'

The cop suddenly noticed a line tied to his waist. He looked back to see the line attached to a fishing rod in the ganados boat. He then looked back and noticed Leon standing atop a cliff. 'HEY!' He shouted. 'YOU'RE THE PUFFY AMERICAN! GET YOUR GIRLY ARSE DOWN HERE AND HELP ME!'

But Leon wasn't listening; he had lost interest in the cop a while ago and was now busy watching two crows sitting on some debris in the water through his binoculars. 'Wow. Hunnigan was right bird watching is relaxing.'

The cop continued to try and grab Leons attention. Suddenly he felt something coming up underneath him. He floated in the water for a few seconds wondering what it was. Then suddenly…

_CHOMP!_

The biggest most freakish looking fish ever dived out of the water and swallowed the cop whole. The two ganados immediately sprang into action in an attempt to wheel in their catch but found themselves being pulled under with the fish and being drowned.

Leon, who was completely oblivious to what had just happened finished his bird watching and proceeded down to the lake.

Upon arrival he found a boat floating next to the peer with what looked like a never ending supply of harpoons in it. 'Looks like I'm gonna have to cross this lake. Good thing there's no freakishly large fish in this lake; cos I've got a phobia of freakishly large fish.'

He mounted the boat and headed off. For two hours Leon raced across the lake. 'Man this lake must be getting bigger because I don't seem to be making much progress.' He then looked back and saw why he hadn't made much progress. He had forgotten to untie the boat from the peer.

Leon was furious. He took out his knife. Sliced the rope and was on his way. Half way through the journey he began singing 'Bear Necessities' really loud. However Leon was completely tone deaf and didn't know all the words. He was so bad that every living thing in the area killed themselves. Even the trees and plants!

Leon continued his awful concert of death right across the lake. Then suddenly…

The freakishly large fish leaped out of the water. 'SHUT UP SHUT UP I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!' It shouted as it flopped back into the water nearly knocking Leon out of the boat.

'Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!' Leon screamed in a girly voice. 'GIANT FISH!' The hook for the boat fell into the water and became caught on the fish.

The fish towed the boat violently around the lake with Leon curled up in a ball muttering random nonsense to himself. Suddenly the boat slowed to a halt. Leon slowly stood up with a harpoon in his hand and his legs shaking.

The fish surfaced in front of Leon and looked at him. 'What is wrong with you!' It said. 'Why are you stalking me!'

Leon nearly fainted. 'B-b-because th-th-the r-r-ope is caught on you.'

'Well cut it then!'

'Ok' Leon said trying hard not to faint. He took out his knife and sliced the rope.

'Oh and one last thing.' The fish said. 'You ever sing in these parts again and you'll be my lunch!' And it disappeared into the lake.

Leon screamed like a girl again. He shot across the water in the boat; he went so fast that at the other end the boat shot out of the water and went straight through the wall of a nearby cabin. Leon had been trying so hard not to faint but he finally gave in and fainted in the cabin.


	7. Ashley?

After several hours Leon finally regained consciousness; he stood up and looked around the room. Suddenly he felt a sharp pain in his chest. He looked at his arms and noticed black veins begin to spread across them. He screamed hysterically.

Suddenly he woke up. The whole experience had been a dream. He looked around. 'Phew; I thought for a second then I was changing into some kind of freak. And everybody knows there's no such thing as giant fish, that part must have been a dream as well.' But Leon then looked around and noticed the gaping hole in the wall and the boat on the floor.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!' Leon yelled 'It wasn't a dream!' And he fainted again.

Several hours passed and Leon eventually regained consciousness. He looked out a nearby window and noticed it was raining and it was night. Suddenly Leon was startled by a loud screeching sound.

_Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech_

Leon ripped his radio from his attaché case and looked at Hunnigan.

'Leon I'm getting sick of this!' She shouted.

'Hunnigan I can explain; this giant fish said it would eat me if I didn't stop singing.'

'Not only is that irrelevant but it's got to be the dumbest excuse I've ever heard.'

'It's true!' Leon protested.

'Never mind!' Hunnigan sighed. 'Status report.'

Leon looked puzzled. 'Huh?'

Hunnigans head fell into her hands. 'Just find a way into the church already!' And she hung up.

Leon walked out of the door and was greeted by a bright blinding light. At once he shielded his eyes and asked 'God? Is that you?'

A confused reply came. 'Err….no.' The person switched off their flashlight and waited for Leon to regain his vision.

Leon looked to see a teenage girl with brown skin and black curly hair wearing a cream coloured top and denim jeans carrying an old pistol with a flashlight taped to it.

'Who are you?' Leon asked.

'The names Ashley.'

Leon sprang into action at once and took Ashley by the hand. 'Everything's going to be alright; my names Leon; I'm under…'

Before Leon could finish Ashley ripped her hand from his and slapped him as hard as she could across the face. 'Get away from me you demented pervert!' She shouted. 'When my boyfriend hears about this boy are you…!'

Leon cut her off. 'What the fuck is the matter with you?!!' He shouted 'I'm here to rescue you!!'

Ashley was confused. 'What?!'

'I'm under the direct order of the president. Your father!'

'What are you on man?!'

'You're Ashley Graham! The presidents daughter!'

Ashley became even more confused. 'No. I'm Ashley Thompson; and if you'll excuse me I have friends to save and a school to disinfect!'

Leon also became confused. 'School?!'

'Yeh. These are the gardens around Leafmore high school and I'm busy trying to search for Friedmans underground lab.'

Leon was certain this girl was insane. 'You're asking me what I'm on?!' Leon paused. 'Hold on a minute, where do you think we are?'

'At Leafmore high school in the U.S.A.'

'What?! This is rural Spain!'

'Now you're officially insane!'

At that moment a ganados walked by. Ashley turned and looked at him. 'Look I'll prove it!' She said. 'Excuse me! Sir!' She said as she approached the ganados.

Leon panicked 'No! Don't!' He shouted. But he was too late; Ashley had already approached the ganados.

'Can you please tell this dick head that this is not rural Spain and that we are in the gardens of a school infested with mutants.'

The ganados smacked Ashley across the face knocking her to the ground. He then pulled out an axe and motioned towards her. 'It's official, all Americans are stupid' he said. 'We are in rural Spain and we're not mutants, we're plagas infested villagers who kill any outsiders!'

The ganados raised his axe ready to strike Ashley. She screamed. Just as the villager was about to strike her he was suddenly bombarded with bullets from Leons TMP. Suddenly the villagers head exploded and out popped an alien - like thing; this caused Ashley to scream even more. Leon finished off the villager and helped Ashley to her feet.

Ashley was even more confused. 'Well if this is rural Spain; then how did I get here?'

'No idea. So far this whole story has been full of strange events.' Leon put his gun away and proceeded to a nearby gate. 'Good luck with infecting your friends or whatever it was you said you were doing.'

'Wait!' Ashley shouted. 'Can I tag along with you?'

Leon looked back 'Why?' He asked.

'Because I don't know my way around this place, and I think you're really fit.'

'Fine. But you better not be a nuisance.' He replied and the duo proceeded through the gate.

* * *

_Just in case you're woundering who Ashley Thompson is. She is one of the main character in another survival horror game called 'Obscure'. She is going to be with Leon for most of the story but not all of it. We are going to meet another character from the same game later on in the story._


	8. Key Or Cookie?

Eventually Leon and his new partner Ashley came across a raging river flowing down a waterfall. After hopping across two sets of stepping stones Leon and Ashley came to a cliff with a rope leading down to the bottom. Even though Leon was a perverted idiot he was still a bit of a gentleman and let Ashley abseil first.

Ashley made her way down the cliff and shouted to Leon that she had made it down safely. Leon wasn't much of an abseiler and fell straight down the cliff on top of Ashley. Leon didn't sustain any injuries as Ashley had cushioned his fall; however Ashley had dislocated her shoulder.

'Don't worry' Leon said. 'I've got some first aid spray.'

But before Leon could take out his first aid spray Ashley had already downed and energy drink. At that moment Ashley leapt to her feet and snapped her shoulder back into place. 'Yeh! I'm ready ta rock!' She said.

'What is that stuff?' Leon asked.

'It's an energy drink.' She replied. 'I use it to heal myself. I got two more six packs if you want some.'

'Sure. Can't hurt to try one.'

Ashley tossed him one of her six packs. Leon popped one of the cans and downed it instantly. Suddenly he became alert. 'Wow! I gotta have another!' And before Ashley knew it Leon had downed the entire six pack. Leon became extremely jumpy and ran off laughing like a lunatic. With one well aimed jump he flew across the river pulled the leaver and jumped to the central platform.

At that second a horde of ganados came pouring out from where the waterfall was. Leon was ready for them. 'You think you're so big! You think you're tough! Well eat this!' Leon whipped out his TMP and mowed the ganados down while laughing hysterically.

As more ganados came out the cave Leon became more hysterical. He reloaded his TMP and started dancing and laughing whilst holding the trigger down. Ashley just stared at him from across the gap. She picked up one of the cans and read the warning on it.

'_Warning: Over consumption may cause temporary insanity. Do not drink more than one can simultaneously. Please wait 10 minutes before drinking another can.'_

Ashley didn't complain. 'Well at least we're getting through the ganados quicker.' She took out her pistol and shot a nearby hanging crate causing it to fall into the water. Using it as a stepping stone she proceeded to the central pathway.

Leon ran laughing like a lunatic straight through the ganados while firing his TMP in random directions into the cave. The ganados then turned their attention to Ashley. As the ganados motioned towards her she pointed her pistol ready to fire but then she had a better idea. She switched on the flashlight taped to the top of her pistol and activated the boost mode. This blinded the ganados and caused them to walk straight off the path and into the river.

Leon continued running down the cave firing his TMP at nothing until he eventually ran out of ammo. 'Awwwwwww no more fun fun.' He threw his TMP onto the ground and sulked. He then noticed a round plaque on a podium in front of him. 'COOOOOOKIE!!!!!' He shouted as he ran towards it.

Ashley arrived in the chamber where Leon was to see a massive door open and Leon gnawing away at the plaque. Suddenly…

_SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!_

Ashley was deafened by the sound; she then noticed the radio sticking out of Leons attaché case. Figuring there was no way he would answer it she ripped the radio from his attaché case and saw her image and the image of Hunnigan appear on screen.

'Leon have you… hey! Who are you?!'

'My names Ashley Thompson.' Ashley pointed the radio at Leon so Hunnigan could see him knowing on the plaque. 'Is he with you?' She asked.

'Unfortunately yes.' Hunnigan replied embarrassed. 'I take it you're Leons new partner.'

'Yeh'

'I'll fill you in. My name is Ingrid Hunnigan. Leon is on a mission to rescue Ashley Graham who is the presidents daughter. Last Leon told me Ashley was being held captive in a church and judging by the indentation in the door that plaque he's gnawing should open it.'

'Ok. Thanks Ingrid. Ashley out.'


	9. Ashley Meets Ashley

Leon woke up with a pounding headache to find himself lying on a pew in the church. He looked around and saw Ashley sitting on the pew in front of him filing her nails. 'Huh? How did we get here?' He asked.

'We walked back here after you left me fighting El Gigante all on my own!' Ashley replied.

'I can't remember anything from when I drank those shakes.'

'I had to lure you into a nearby boat using the plaque which you thought was a cookie as bait, then into the arena where we got locked in! Then you ran screaming into a nearby hut leaving me to fight El Gigante all on my own!'

'I'm sorry Ashley.'

'And when we arrived at the church you freaked at the litter of cute little puppies on the grass!'

Leon felt embarrassed. 'Oh no!'

'Yeh! You threw the plaque through one window! You threw me through the window next to it! And then you jumped through the window next to that! Then you lost consciousness!'

Leon looked up to see three broken windows. He then turned back to Ashley. 'Look can we put this behind us and rescue Ashley.'

'Fine!'

'Ok. Lets go.'

The duo looked around the church picking up any ammunition and money they could find. Eventually Leon noticed a nearby ladder. He climbed up it as quick as he could and waited for Ashley who climbed up it at a snails pace.

_(15 Minutes Later)_

Ashley finally made it to the top of the ladder. The duo made their way around the balcony to come to two locked gates with a door between them and a huge gap with a chandelier within jumping distance and a ledge on the other side.

'There's no way we're getting through here.' Leon said. 'Looks like our only way is to jump across on this chandelier. The duo both jumped to the central chandelier. However they couldn't control the swinging and found themselves holding on for dear life.

'We should have thought this through!' Ashley screamed. Suddenly the chandelier flung the two to the opposite platform and they crashed into the opposite wall. The chain on the chandelier broke and went crashing to the ground.

Leon and Ashley both noticed a control panel. They activated it and saw three lights project patterns onto the opposite wall. They both figured that they had to twist the light patterns in such a way that when combined they matched the central pattern and the gates would open. After two hours they finally solved the puzzle and the gates slid open.

Cautiously Leon entered the storeroom with Ashley following. Upon entering they saw Ashley Graham run across the room. 'Ashley!' Leon shouted.

'Don't come!' Ashley G shouted as she tossed a wooden beam at the duo. Ashley T managed to dodge the beam but Leon was two slow and it knocked him unconscious.

'Who are you?' Ashley G shouted.

'I'm Ashley, this is Leon.' Ashley T said as she pointed to Leon. Suddenly Leon sprang up off the floor.

'I'm ok!' He shouted. 'I'm here to rescue Ashley because the president told me to.'

Ashley G's eyes lit up. 'My father!'

'No shit Sherlock!' Ashley T replied. 'And close your eyes! The light is blinding me!'

'Oh! Sorry. My contacts fell out' she said as she searched for them.

_SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!!!!!_

Leon took out his radio. 'Good news Hun. I found Ashley.'

'Finally!' Hunnigan shouted. 'Its only taken you 9 chapters!'

Hunnigan then went on about how much Leon sucked and how Ashley T looked like a slut. Leon put his radio away and the trio headed back to the ladder.

Leon wasn't the type of person who climbed down ladders so he just jumped straight off the ledge and landed flat on his face. Ashley T took another 15 minutes climbing down the ladder. Ashley G however didn't do anything.

'Come on you stupid crack whore!' Ashley T shouted.

'No!' Ashley G snapped. 'I don't like climbing down ladders!'

'Well jump then!' Leon shouted.

'Catch me!'

'Why should I?!'

'Then I'm not coming!'

'Oh fuckin hell!' Ashley T shouted. 'I'll catch you!' And she held out her arms ready to catch Ashley. Ashley G jumped off the ledge, at that moment Ashley T moved out of the way and watched Ashley G fall flat on her arse.

'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YOU BITCH!!!!' She shouted.

'Serves you right for being such a lazy brat!'

'Why you!' Ashley G dived at Ashley T but Leon interrupted them.

'Look you two if we're finished here can we please leave before I go insane!!'

'Bit late for that' both Ashleys said at the same time.

After a long argument over whether or not Leon was sane the trio finally made their way out into the main church.

'I'll take the girl.' A cloaked figure said as he walked onto the alter.

'Who are you?' Leon asked.

'My name is The Boogie Man. But my friends call me Sadler.'

'Are we your friends?' Ashley T asked.

'The blonde American agent and the winy little crack whore are but you aren't.'

'What! Why?!'

'Cos I hate you.'

'Well then I hate you!' Ashley T pouted.

'Now where was I?' Oh yes my evil plan. We injected you and Ashley with plagas parasites so now once they hatch I'll have complete control over your minds.'

Leon was lost for words. 'This sounds like an alien invasion. Are you from mars?'

At that exact second two ganados burst through the door with flaming crossbows. Leon quickly grabbed both Ashleys and dived straight through the window next the three smashed ones.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' Sadler shouted. 'THOSE WERE LIMITED EDITION STAINED GLASS WINDOWS!!!!!!'

* * *

_To Be Continued._


	10. Shoot To Kill

Leon and the two Ashleys made their way back through the village killing anything that got in their way. Eventually the trio arrived at a farmyard. After killing all the raging ganados and farm animals they eventually came across a locked gate.

Leon looked up at the gate. 'Looks like one of you two will have to go over and unlock it.'

'Why don't you go over it!' Ashley T shouted.

Leon gave Ashley T a funny look. 'Do you really wanna give me a piggyback over that.'

'On second thoughts one of us will go. If I lift you I'll break my back.'

'Now who's goin over?'

'Oh! Oh! Me! Me!' Ashley G shouted whilst jumping up and down hysterically.

'Fine by me.' Leon said as he gave Ashley G a piggyback over the gate. Without looking Ashley G jumped down to the other side.

_SNAPSNAPSNAPSNAPSNAPSNAPSNAPSNAP_

'That sounded bad' Ashley T said as she gritted her teeth. 'Here give me a hand over and I'll see what happened.

Leon helped Ashley up to the top of the gate. Ashley looked over to see what happened. 'Urrr Leon I think we're gonna need some first aid spray. There were a load of bear traps below and Ashley fell into every single one of them.'

5 painful minutes later the trio made their way to a nearby bridge. Just beside the bridge a firing range had been set up with a merchant running it.

'Step right up! Shoot down 10 targets and win a prize!

Both Ashleys became hysterical. 'Can we Leon?! Can we?! Can we?! Can we?!'

'Fine if it'll shut you both up!' Leon payed the merchant and both Ashleys chose a weapon.'

Ashley T shot down 9 targets but got distracted by Leons distractions and missed the last one.

'Sorry luv better luck next time.' The merchant said.

Ashley T threw her weapon back into the rack and kicked Leon in the bollocks.

Ashley G shot down all 10 targets. 'Yay! What did I win?!!'

The merchant took out a blue box from under the counter with question marks painted on it. 'The mystery prize.' He said in a creepy voice.

Ashley grabbed the box and hopped around like a bunny rabbit. 'Yaaaaaaaay! Mystery prize! Mystery prize! Mystery prize!'

Leon stared at her as if she was an alien. 'Ok. I'll have a go.' He said as he handed the merchant a wad of cash.

Leon missed every single shot. He was so bad in fact that he even managed to shoot Ashley T in the leg while she was standing right behind him. Both Ashleys laughed at him. Leon became furious. He handed the merchant another wad of cash and took the rocket launcher. He looked through the eyepiece but found it was focused in too close. Rather than just focusing it Leon stepped back several paces. He tripped backward over a rock and fired the rocket off into the distance.

'Wow!' Ashley T said sarcastically. 'You sure can shoot!'

Suddenly there was an explosion in the distance and the trio saw a flaming helicopter fall to the ground. Suddenly Hunnigan called through.

'Leon I've got some bad news.'

'I'd rather not here it!'

'Well tough luck cos I gotta tell ya!' Hunnigan shouted. 'We lost contact with the evac chopper I was supposed to tell you about in the last chapter. Someone must have shot it down but we don't know who.'

Leon tried his best to look innocent. 'Oh jeez….those ganados bastards!'

'We're currently prepping another chopper for you so head towards the extraction point and wait!'

Leon put his radio away and continued with the two Ashleys across the bridge.


	11. Ashleys Reunion

Once they got to the other side a horde of ganados walked out of the gates ahead. They looked back and saw more ganados crossing the bridge.

'What are we gonna do?' Both Ashleys asked.

'I hate to say it.' Leon replied. 'But I feel like a sandwich!' He looked ahead to see a nearby cabin. 'Quick! They must have sandwiches in that cabin!' Leon grabbed the two and raced into the cabin. 'OW!' But forgot to open the door. Upon entering a shadowy figure confronted them.

It was Lewis. 'Leon!' He shouted tossing a beam which whacked Ashley T in the face. Leon used it to barricade the door.

Luis then turned his attention to the two Ashleys. 'Woa! Two for the price of one.'

Both were insulted. Ashley T slapped Luis across the face and Ashley G kicked him in the bollocks.

Leon came over to the trio. 'This is great but where are the sandwiches?'

'On the table.' Luis said clutching his bollocks.

Leon ran over to a nearby table with a massive platter piled high with sandwiches. At once he began scoffing them down. The pain in Luises bollocks finally wore off and he looked out through a nearby window. 'What's that comin over the hill?!' he yelled.

'Is it a monster?!' 'Is it a monster?!' Ashley T shouted followed by Ashley G.

Leon ran over to the window to get a look, shoving Lewis out the way causing him to whack his face on a nearby wall. 'No!' He said with his mouthful spraying cheese and ham all over Luis. 'It's a horde of ganados!' Leon turned to the two Ashleys. 'Ashley upstairs!' he said spraying the two girls with sandwich fillings.

'Which one?!' Ashley G asked.

'You! You no brained blonde!' Ashley T shouted while pushing her up the stairs.

Luis equipped his pistol and grabbed sandwich from the platter. 'Ok amigos' he said just before taking a bite of his sandwich, 'It's game time' he said with his mouthful.

Leon Luis and Ashley T battled ganados after ganados as they stormed the cabin while scoffing sandwiches with their free hand. Luis occasionally turned to the duo to check if they were all right and toss them extra ammo and sandwiches.

Ashley T kicked a ganados in the face. 'Leon are they nearly gone yet cos I'm almost out!'

'I don't know I haven't been keeping count.'

Luises gun clicked 'That's it I'm out!' he shouted.

'So am I!' Leon replied.

'And me!' added Ashley T.

At that moment five ganados circled round the trio and moved in for the kill.

'Well we're screwed now!' Ashley T shouted. 'Anyone got any last words?'

'Yeh.' Luis said. 'I wish I got the opportunity to fuck you in the ass!'

'And I wish I got the opportunity to properly kick your ass!' Ashley T replied.

'And I wish I was in Kingdom Hearts!'

'Shut up Leon!' Luis and Ashley T both shouted.

Suddenly there was a gunshot and a ganados fell to the floor. The remaining ganados turned round only to be blinded by a bright light of some kind. Four more shots were fired and the remaining ganados were neutralised. The trio looked to see, standing in the door was another teenage girl holding a pistol with a torch taped to it. This girl had the same hairstyle as Ashley G with sunglasses in it; she was wearing an orange short sleeved top with a picture of a star on it, a dark green camouflage miniskirt and brown boots similar to Ashley G's.

'Shannon?!' Ashley T said in amazement. 'How did you get here?!'

'Same way as you I guess.' She replied. 'And I take it you don't have a clue how you got here either.'

'Nope.' Ashley T replied. 'Anyway I'm just glad you're safe, last I heard you and Stan were…'

Leon interrupted. 'Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Time out! Look! I know you girls are happy to see each other and all, but keep the comments about your game to yourselves, you're going to confuse the reader!'

Ashley and Shannon both looked at him as if he had three heads. 'Right.' Shannon sighed. 'Well I'd love to stay and chat Ash but I promised this woman I'd help her retrieve summit for this dude dressed like agent Smith from 'The Matrix'.'

'Can't I come with?' Ashley asked.

'No. She said she'd have to kill both of us if you did. I'll meet up with you guys later.'

'K. See ya later.'

Shannon walked out the cabin leaving the four to contemplate their next move. Ashley G came down the stairs and noticed the empty table. 'Guys, where's the platter?'

Luis looked out the window to see a ganados running off with the platter of sandwiches. 'You bastard!' He shouted as he ran after the ganados. 'I spent all afternoon making those! Come back here!'


	12. The Choice

The trio emerged from the cabin only to find the merchant again. After restocking their ammo they continued towards two gates with a lever in the middle and a note pinned to it. Leon pulled off the note and read it to the two Ashleys.

_Dear Leon and Ashley_

_To celebrate the future of gaming we are holding a party down the left path. All the big name game characters are going to be there along with the extras. Due to the circumstances we were unable to extend invites to the two of you but you are welcome to join us. We would really appreciate your company as Clare has not seen you since 'Resi 2' and is desperate to get back in touch with you. Don't go down the Right path as El Gigante is pissed of at not getting an invite and is killing anyone who goes down that path. See you there._

_Mendez (The Big Cheese)_

Leon screwed the letter up. 'How stupid does this guy think we are? He only wants us to go down the left path so he can ambush us with ganados. Well I say we go right!'

Ashley T interrupted. 'WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! I've already fought one gigante tonight and I'm not fighting another!'

'You don't seriously believe this garbage do you?!'

'Yes! I do!'

'The guy nearly strangled me! Why would he invite me to a party?!'

Ashley T was puzzled. 'I don't know. I just get this feeling we're supposed to go that way.'

'Fine! You want to get yourself killed you go that way!' Leon then turned to Ashley G. 'Come on Ashley!'

Ashley G then became hyper again and started jumping up and down. 'YAAAAAAAAAAAY! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!'

Ashley T turned back to Leon 'I think she wants to come with me.'

Leon pouted. 'Fine! Go and get yourselves killed!' he pushed the lever to the right and headed down the right path.


	13. The Path Of Leon

Leon proceeded down the path. Halfway down he started thinking to himself (which is a rarity). '_Those idiots._ _Leon! Leon! come with us to the party!' _He thought to himself in a sarcastic way. '_I bet they're being torn apart by angry ganados as we speak.'_

At that moment Hunnigan called through. 'What the fuck?!' She shouted. 'Why are you still aliiiiiiiiiiii mean are you alright?'

'Yeh I'm great.'

'Dam it! Note to self, hire 'Agent 47.'

Leon of course had a terrible memory so forgot what Hunnigan said instantly. Hunnigan turned her attention back to Leon. 'Are you near the extraction point… wait a sec, where are Ashley and… Ashley.

'Oh! We got this letter sayin there was a party down another path; the two Ashleys were dumb enough to believe it and went that way, while I took the smart way; they're probably being ripped apart as we speak.'

Hunnigans face became red with rage. 'ARE YOU SAYING YOU SENT THE PRESIDENTS DAUGHTER, YOUR RESCUE SUBJECT DOWN A PATH TO BE RIPPED APART BY THE ENEMY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

Leon then realised that if Ashley G died then he would fail his mission and be fired. 'SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' He shouted; he dropped the radio and raced back to the door but couldn't get through because only one pathway could be open at a time and the two had already proceeded through the other door.

Leon picked up his radio and raced down the path. Suddenly El Gigante dropped out of nowhere behind him. El Gigante chased Leon down the path till he came to a locked door. He looked back and noticed a bunch of shacks that he had passed. 'The key must be in one of those shacks'. Suddenly El Gigante smashed the shack closest to him and noticed something shiny on the floor, it was the key. Thinking it was a candy cane he picked it up and swallowd it whole.

Leon sighed. 'Looks like there's only one way I'm getting that key back', he took out a tin of melted chocolate from his attaché case (why he would carry it round with him is beyond me) and poured it all over himself. El Gigante was immediately attracted to Leons chocolaty aroma; he picked up Leon and swallowd him whole.

Leon slid down El Gigantes thought and into his stomach. 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT BURNS!!!!!!!!' Leon screamed as the acid burned him. He dived under and swam around in search of the key. Eventually after several painful minutes he found the key.

El Gigante was feeling very relaxed after consuming Leon; then suddenly he felt something cut through the inner walls of his stomach. Then suddenly Leon exploded from El Gigantes stomach alien style, knife in hand and El Gigante collapsed and died. Leon healed his burnt body with some first aid spray and headed through the door.

He emerged to find himself in an open area with a cable car system and a huge gate leading out of the village. Leon suddenly felt cold. He then saw why; the acid had burnt away his clothing leaving only his attaché case and its contents; why you ask? Leon carries an experimental attaché case that was developed by the government for use in the field and Leon is testing it out during this mission, it can withstand water, fire, bullets and acid; it can also store very large objects and lessen the weight. (I wish there actually was such a thing.)

Anyway back to the story. Leon looked around desperately for some new clothes. He then noticed the merchant. 'Quick man! I need some new threads!'

The merchant then looked inside his coat. 'Ah here we go.' And he produced an outfit that was exactly identical to Leons previous outfit, along with some shoes, socks and boxers. Leon paid the merchant and quickly got dressed.

_To Be Continued_


End file.
